Well, it’s easier said than done when I tell myself “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”! It is hard to live in a stereotypical world where you constantly need to satisfy the rules laid out by the society and keep proving to the world that you are “normal”. Problem comes when you take the path less travelled by others or destiny puts you there even if you don’t wish so!
After years of rumbling within myself, I mustered some strength to write this. When will this society stop questioning and mocking women when they can’t bear a child? I have faced all sorts of questions when I attend weddings, social gatherings, temples, even at funerals if you can believe! Well they aren’t wrong because every one of your sibling, cousin, friend, the one who married many years after you, all have one or even two children. We missed the boat, train, flight, etc etc…rather waiting in our “timezone” for our “train “to come. Your peers will only have one topic to talk at this point in their age – their children. How long will you run away from them?
To answer everyone “No it’s not a “Choice” we consciously make, atleast not in a typical Indian society where most women would like to have children. And we are well aware that there is something called “ovulation kit” – we have crossed 10 levels of fertility aids and treatments on top of that. And we are also well aware that there is an option called “adoption” and the age limit involved. In our view it is not we doing a “favour” by adopting a child, but we adopt primarily for our own selfish reason. And we won’t shy away from it if that’s the final destination
It’s extremely disheartening that all these questions are mostly being poked by women who feel they have “achieved” in their life. I really wonder what is there to take credit for except the labour pain borne. Women just be thankful that you are not “the chosen one”! Everything else is Mother Nature’s hand where even the doctor has absolutely no control. I have been told that I am apparently having serious “kolaru” by a woman. Well they don’t open fertility clinics in every street if all women in today’s world are fertile and I m the only chosen one.
It’s shocking for our society as our grandparents had many children effortlessly and the fertility rate is getting dropped drastically in the recent days. I have been pretty much active as far as I can imagine, was never obese or had junk food neither in my village while growing up nor now, which are the common reasons cited for infertility. Please understand that there are things out of one’s control and we still don’t know how this infertility cropped in. I sincerely don’t like to be on that place.
While I appreciate that everybody wants to help us by giving their two cents - be it visiting a temple, doing any sort of prayer or ritual, visiting xyz doctor or undergoing some fertility treatment. We have been there and done all that we could like a mad cow knocking every possible door that we can. I am not being arrogant here declaring that we know everything but at this point we just like to be left alone or hear some positive words which give us some hope in life to look up to. I m simply dying in guilt that our family legacy stops because of me and I offered to kill myself with the millions of injections and the possible ill effects like ovarian cancer that the medicine can throw. But all the society wants to question is “you spent so many lakhs on these treatment”. Apparently not a soul cares about my health or the mental suffering I undergo.
After 8 yrs of struggling to conceive and finally seeing success, but the joy was suddenly taken away by a pre term labour in six months, sucking out all the love and hope from your life, pushing your hopes and dreams into a bottomless pit… put yourself in my shoes; you will feel you don’t want to be there even in your wildest dreams.
Society is so cruel that they do not give you even time to heal. I call up a friend to join back work after the miscarriage and he tells me “ah sorry to hear but why don’t you adopt?” Boss I just got over the worst trauma a woman can have. Please be merciful. Will you ask your wife the same question had she been in my place?
No it’s not like adopting another puppy when one puppy dies.
- Don’t tell me eating “pomegranate” everyday is irritating!
- Don’t tell me labour is pain. There are millions of women yearning to undergo that. I have gone through it already, only to see two dead babies being carried in front of my eyes. Trust me its insurmountable mental agony than the physical labour!
- Don’t get jealous on me that I have a job and you need to manage your child. Would you like to switch places? I would happily do so if destiny gives me a choice!
- I did work from home when I was pregnant. People were jealous even for that. Well folks, lie down on bed or get locked up in house for just two weeks. You will know that it’s not something you will enjoy. It’s not a choice I had; it was only a medical requirement and not a favour done to me.
- Don’t tell me that millions of women like you undergo fertility treatments. My question is have you undergone? Then how would you understand the pain and side effect it involves
- Don’t advise us to simply adopt rather than going through this pain. Imagine your world without your children. Will you simply adopt? It’s always easy to make a decision for others but not for yourself.
No I did not write this in depression, I just want the friends reading this post to understand that folks like me just need to be left alone and try our best to have a biological child and enjoy the pleasure of motherhood before we adopt. We are well aware of our age limit and we will make the choice if that’s the last resort.
Be on my seat .Feel the fire, frustration, pain, agony what not…